Approaching People
Jul. 14th, 2003 12:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
guslSome friends who know me rather well think that I don't care about such things and have no problem approaching people. Well, in fact, I do have a moderate level of anxiety when approaching strangers, especially when I have no excuse, such as selling stuff, conducting a survey, etc.
That is probably because I don't censor my words very much. So they generalize to "Gustavo doesn't care what people think". In fact, some people think that's something cool about me. But it's not true. The truth is that, just like everybody else, I want to have / develop positive relationships with friends and lovers (to paraphrase Pinker(?)), so I do care about my reputation. Even if "not caring" is part of that reputation. But that would be a mask, not my true self.
So yesterday, at an outdoor concert, I decided that I would approach whoever I wanted to, so I did. This consisted mostly of attractive females, and it was easier than I imagined. I guess it's been a while since I approached someone without an excuse, like ummmm... a week. umm.. ok, not that long.
Now I'm going to get experienced at approaching people without a second thought. If people already think I'm way that, I might as well live up to my reputation.
pjammer's Avatar Therapy
That is probably because I don't censor my words very much. So they generalize to "Gustavo doesn't care what people think". In fact, some people think that's something cool about me. But it's not true. The truth is that, just like everybody else, I want to have / develop positive relationships with friends and lovers (to paraphrase Pinker(?)), so I do care about my reputation. Even if "not caring" is part of that reputation. But that would be a mask, not my true self.
So yesterday, at an outdoor concert, I decided that I would approach whoever I wanted to, so I did. This consisted mostly of attractive females, and it was easier than I imagined. I guess it's been a while since I approached someone without an excuse, like ummmm... a week. umm.. ok, not that long.
Now I'm going to get experienced at approaching people without a second thought. If people already think I'm way that, I might as well live up to my reputation.
pjammer's Avatar Therapy
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-14 09:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-15 08:43 pm (UTC)Now I'm going to get experienced at approaching people without a second thought. If people already think I'm way that, I might as well live up to my reputation.
I've always wanted to do that.. but for some reason it doesn't seem to work that simply. My problem is... even if I can get myself to approach someone... then what? I never know what to say.
Sometimes I try approaching people with a one-liner in mind; but then I feel dumb if I use that and then they're waiting for me to say something else and still be as forward, and I'm just not. Let me know if you figure out a way around this problem!
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-17 08:29 am (UTC)Sometimes it's tempting to talk about something in a lot of detail, but it probably works best to put the ball on their court, preferably with a long-answer question such as "why?" or "what do you think about ...?". Oh, and definitely avoid sounding like a questionnaire or a chatterbox: I have had that problem. The solution is breaking the rigid structure with feedback, jokes, pauses, an occasional argument, etc.
Then again, if you're talking about something that you find interesting, but they don't, then maybe that person isn't so interesting afterall. But still, it's important to put yourself in their shoes: how would you react if you were approached like that?
But who am I to give advice? The best I can do is put myself in a spontaneous mood: a refreshing shower, playing soccer, listening to swing (which makes me imitate a groovin dancer) are the best ways to do that for me. Being spontaneous probably doesn't improve my success rate that much, but it works because I end up approaching more people.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-20 07:04 pm (UTC)It's always good when you think of something funny or cute to say, but a smile goes a long way. The point is not doing anything isn't much better than introducing yourself and looking silly
yeah... for the most part I think looking silly is always better. But I just wish I could do it without going into panic attack mode.
The solution is breaking the rigid structure with feedback, jokes, pauses, an occasional argument, etc.
Yes, unfortunately another thing I'm really bad at. If a conversation doesn't have a rigid structure or purpose I just don't know how to go about it.
The best I can do is put myself in a spontaneous mood: a refreshing shower, playing soccer, listening to swing (which makes me imitate a groovin dancer) are the best ways to do that for me
I have noticed that physical activity like sports or running helps me be more outgoing.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-07-15 08:49 pm (UTC)*approaches cautiously*
Date: 2003-07-16 07:09 am (UTC)(I guess that is a silly question when I am about to find out, but oh well.)
I'm just curious, and thought I should do the on-line equivalent of approaching you rather than the on-line equivalent of standing there staring, which is quite impolite, in my opinion.
I never approach people, because I just end up rambling pointlessly, as I am now... my apologies.
Re: *approaches cautiously*
Date: 2003-07-18 11:32 pm (UTC)It really depends.
I never approach people, because I just end up rambling pointlessly
That's something I need to watch out for myself. I guess focusing more attention on the other person should be enough.
Re: *approaches cautiously*
Date: 2003-07-18 11:49 pm (UTC)Oh, so how do I know whether I should approach you or not?
... focusing more attention on the other person...
Yes... so I should be focusing on you then,
*strikes a casual pose*
So, I hear you are going to UvA? Oh, what a coincidence I am too.
(I'm not a strange internet stalker, really I'm not! I hope it does not seem that way.)
Re: *approaches cautiously*
Date: 2003-07-19 06:37 am (UTC)My rule is "don't be shy". So to me, the question is not whether, but when/how, especially when you're trying to maximize the impression you make. But being the one being approached, I really don't care: just say hi.
So, I hear you are going to UvA? Oh, what a coincidence I am too.
Cool. So how did you find me? I actually only joined go_dutch after I saw it in your profile.
What are you going to study?
Re: *approaches cautiously*
Date: 2003-07-19 06:50 am (UTC)And from your e-mail address domain. (Which is where the me feeling like an internet stalker comes into play.)
I had actually seen your profile before though, from having knowledge representation listed as an interest, but didn't know then that were also going to amsterdam.
I hope you don't mind about this anyway. Oh, and while I'm here, have you been told about your housing yet?
Re: *approaches cautiously*
Date: 2003-07-19 07:24 am (UTC)I see nothing wrong with trying the obvious. In fact, I don't see privacy as a basic right, but that's another story.
Do you have AOL IM?
Re: *approaches cautiously*
Date: 2003-07-19 05:32 pm (UTC)No, I have icq/yahoo/msn, but no aol.
There's a client on here, but I don't have an account, that's easy enough to fix though.
The Approach & Non-sequitor
Date: 2003-07-17 07:50 pm (UTC)In your profile I read: Dialog is my favorite method of learning, even if both speakers are just figuring things out.
Me too. I prefer that to book learning, internet, movies etc. Might be why i like interviewing so much.
Re: The Approach & Non-sequitor
Date: 2003-07-29 05:07 pm (UTC)Re: The Approach & Non-sequitor
Date: 2003-07-29 10:12 pm (UTC)Re: The Approach & Non-sequitor
Date: 2003-07-30 11:48 am (UTC)Re: The Approach & Non-sequitor
Date: 2003-07-30 03:55 pm (UTC)