overly critical of self - old memories

[gusl]

I tend to be overly critical of myself.

I have been looking at evidence from my past (videotapes, old notes, printouts of my previous website), and they don't seem nearly as silly or embarassing as I remember them. In fact, I'm continuously delighted at the interesting ideas this kid had (I'm biased, of course)... in fact, I have to go back to freshman year of college to find something I now consider really silly. But maybe this could be a selection effect? I'll tend to remember better memories that I exaggerated?

Anyway, it's funny how we distort our memories... I think Alex Ramonsky has written about why you shouldn't revisit old memories when you're in a negative mood: you end up seeing them in a negative light, and making them all a bit darker before putting them back...

Why do I tend to downplay my qualities and emphasize my shortcomings? I really should be more self-confident. Can I blame a perceived cultural pressure to be "humble"?

Btw, I hate people who give me ego boosters. It's like a drug, and I could become dependent on it, you know? Don't some people get narcissism that way? ...I think I've mostly made myself immune from it, though.

Comments

self evaluation

[metaeducat10n.livejournal.com]

Outside of a short period of extremely deviant thinking, I'm generally pleased looking back on my writing. I often think of things I could have done better, but I usually seem to have put far more effort into communication than those I am talking to.

The hardest bit to manage (for me) has been absorbing just how little it matters, per:

"You wouldn't worry so much about what other people thought of you if you knew how rarely they did."

I want to matter more, though I won't achieve Zen Mastery if I can't change that desire.