feeling depressed and stuck
Mar. 26th, 2002 01:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
guslI enjoyed my monday night blues. It's like I quietly accepted that everything was going to hell (even though nothing is, as far as I know), and then it felt good. The old timey music at Sandy's helped. And then I felt really good, like I had a spiritual awakening, but it's really just chemistry.
A nice, quiet walk through in the cold tends to alleviate this condition. I remember that in London, I would lie underneath the trees and contemplating the branch patterns from below, feeling defeated. By expressing the sadness, by thoroughly enjoying it, I give it no reason to return.
By the way, I think this low-key night was caused by a longing for trying different things, which I know I won't be able to do for a while. For example, I want to teach: specifically, I want to teach Portuguese as a foreign language, because I really love to analyze my fluent languages. I want to have contact with bright kids, and mentor personal research projects.
I want to travel to Portugal and Spain, and spend a couple of months learning their dialects.
But I can't do any of those things because my visa is tied to my job. Until I get a greencard, I have to remain sponsored, which is no easy thing. I get 10 days off per year besides the 7 or 8 regular holidays. So I have to keeping putting off these plans.... sometimes I wish I could do a little of everything: 20 hours a week making software, 15 hours teaching language, 15 hours taking classes, 10 hours on research projects.... oh yeah... if I could do all those things, I would work full-time-and-a-half.
A nice, quiet walk through in the cold tends to alleviate this condition. I remember that in London, I would lie underneath the trees and contemplating the branch patterns from below, feeling defeated. By expressing the sadness, by thoroughly enjoying it, I give it no reason to return.
By the way, I think this low-key night was caused by a longing for trying different things, which I know I won't be able to do for a while. For example, I want to teach: specifically, I want to teach Portuguese as a foreign language, because I really love to analyze my fluent languages. I want to have contact with bright kids, and mentor personal research projects.
I want to travel to Portugal and Spain, and spend a couple of months learning their dialects.
But I can't do any of those things because my visa is tied to my job. Until I get a greencard, I have to remain sponsored, which is no easy thing. I get 10 days off per year besides the 7 or 8 regular holidays. So I have to keeping putting off these plans.... sometimes I wish I could do a little of everything: 20 hours a week making software, 15 hours teaching language, 15 hours taking classes, 10 hours on research projects.... oh yeah... if I could do all those things, I would work full-time-and-a-half.